Attention Whores vs. Unfuckwithables and why I love Cardi B
My costume is cinched tight, I’ve re-laced my pointe shoes again and again. My hands are shaking as I stand in the wall of curtains waiting for my cue. Right on time, I step out into the blinding light, my body memory taking over, smile, smile, smile. Everyone is looking at me. I’m terrified. I love it.
You know you’re not funny. I have just regaled my family and friends with my amazing stand-up comedy at a barbecue when my friend rolls her eyes and says this to me before walking away. I was in elementary school and had memorized some of my favorite sketches from one of Germany’s most famous (and absolutely not funny) comics.
The jokes I told were not funny. And they weren’t even mine. I was stealing jokes AND they were bad. Double cringe face. That was one of the first times I remember thinking oh there is something wrong with me wanting adults to pay attention to me, to laugh at my jokes, to want me around, to want them to think I’m cute or funny or talented.
If you’re a parent, you know that small kids always want you to watch them do stuff. It’s not even cool stuff! Usually, it’s something boring but you have to be excited about it, not once, but three THOUSAND times in a row. And if you do not produce the same level of excitement every single time, get ready for a meltdown and be forced…
