Dear Soo, thank you for reading and commenting. It sounds like you had a rough go for many years and I can feel the sadness and desperation in your words. It sounds like you sacrificed much of yourself and your life for your kids and family. I spent a decade in a church that required the same of me and I understand the dark thoughts you had. I've been there. We both made different choices based on that experiences. I left my church, my husband and my martyr status behind and that was the right thing for me. I'm glad you found happiness in staying. The only thing I don't appreciate here is the proselytizing. People want different things. There is no need to sell a one-size-fits-all solution like religion/spirituality just because it worked for you. It didn't work for me. I'm not trying to convince you to be an atheist like me. Why are you trying to tell me I'll only find real peace and happiness by believing in god?