“Non-Compete” Clause for Life

As a former dancer, I relate. Yes, even my legs were competing against each other. Unlike Ted Lasso’s, my right leg always won.

At the gym, the coach sometimes divides us into teams to compete against each other for the workout. I hate those days with a blistering passion. I’m usually the slowest, the “weak link.” It reminds me of high school gym class and always getting picked as one of the last options. My teammates often have to wait for me. Sometimes, we lose because of me. (This usually means some sort of ‘punishment’ in the form of burpees or push-ups like we’re at fucking boot camp.) I’ve been going to the gym 4–5 times a week for 8 months and am still one of the slowest and weakest. I was so pissed about that the other day that I cried while running, sweat and tears dripping down my red-hot face.

As I walked out defeated, one woman high-fived me and said: “Hey, you’re doing great! We only compete against ourselves! See, how far you’ve come already!”

The kind gesture delivered with the best of intentions only made me more mad. I didn’t realize why until the end of the day.

When I started looking at my perfectionistic tendencies a few years ago, I learned that more than wanting to be the best ever, I just wanted to be better than the people around me. I turned over that big mossy rock and found lots of slimy jealousy and judgment and superiority and competitiveness underneath. Slimy not because it’s outrageous that I had very human feelings and hang-ups, but…